Ripped By mstoll
(Doorbell)
Darling, your egg is ready.
Oliver!
Oh, sorry, love. Couldn't get this through the letterbox.
Oh, a parcel.
- A secret lover, eh? - My birthday.
- What? Today? - Tomorrow.
Oh, well, don't open that until tomorrow, then.
- And many happy returns. - Oh, no. I'm 30.
You're never 30.
- Sssh! - What's the matter? Doesn't he know?
Oh, he knows, he just never remembers.
Quite frankly, this year, I don't care.
- Thanks very much. Bye. - Cheers.
Oliver, your egg is ready!
- Are you trying to kill me? - Kill you?
Yes, an egg is full of cholesterol.
It's absolutely fatal.
- You must be after my insurance. - Oh, really.
What's this?
Hm?
Oh, well, Mum and Dad couldn't make it tomorrow, so they...
Sit down and get your breakfast.
- I didn't even know they were coming tomorrow. - Well, they're not now, so make a start.
- What's that to do with this? - Nothing. Now eat.
It's your birthday tomorrow.
No, it's not. It's Christmas.
No, no, no, don't try and make out that I didn't know. When have I ever forgotten?
Would you like me to, er, check my diaries?
Oh, yes, well, all right, sometimes your present came a little late in the day.
Yes. Sometimes it came a little late on the day after.
All right, well, this year, you are going to get it on the morning of the day.
- Because I have already bought it. - It really doesn't matter, Oliver.
Why all the song and dance these seven years, then?
Get on with your egg.
You're not embarrassed about being 29 tomorrow, are you?
- Did you hear me? - I mean, 29 is nothing.
Get on with your breakfast.
Except that you are nearly 30.
- Oliver... - I remember when I was 30.
My God, I felt ancient.
Oliver.
Well, after all, it is the next giant step after 21, and you're only nine years off being 40.
- Oliver. - But 29 is nothing, darling.
I'm 30.
Now would you please stop chatting and get on with your egg.
- 30? - Come on.
- Tomorrow? - Yes.
What happened to 29?
You forgot to buy me a present. Now come on.
30?
You are 30?
Oliver, stop looking at me as if I'm Methuselah.
Oh, no, good heavens, I was just thinking you look jolly good.
- Oh, thank you, darling. - For 30.
No, it's all right, I'm eating, I'm definitely eating.
Cor, it's just that I thought I was married to just a slip of a girl of... 28.
Well, now you know, don't you?
You've suddenly aged two years, that's all I meant.
Oh, good grief! I'm not over the hill, Oliver.
Of course not. You're remarkably well preserved.
Anyway, you're 33.
It's different for a man, though, isn't it?
- Is it? - Of course it is. I'm marching towards my prime.
I see.
What am I marching towards?
Sandy, as long as you are marching beside me, I do not care.
How can I march beside you, Oliver, when I am marching downhill and you are marching up?
Super egg, darling.
You make me feel like getting out the Polyfilla and filling in the cracks.
Sandy, could you cut my toast into soldiers, please?
- You've absolutely ruined my birthday! - Oh, don't be silly, darling.
I'm going to get you... I've got you a lovely present and we'll have a nice meal out.
Don't bother.
A cup of cocoa and bowl of slops will do.
Oh, Sandy, please.
Well, who started it?
Yeah, all right, darling, I did, but I told you, it was just the surprise.
- You mean, the shock. - You're putting words into my mouth now.
I don't need to, Oliver. You seem to have quite a selection there already.
Right, well, I'll take them with me.
Oliver, your breakfast.
You eat it. It'll give you the strength to hobble through the day.
I'll collect your pension on the way home.
Oliver!
Morning.
- Oh, morning. - How are things?
Could you spare me a minute?
- Yes. Of course. - Come in.
Go straight through. Please, sit down.
- You're over 30, aren't you? - How did you guess?
No. I mean, seriously.
Over 30, dear, one tends to be serious.
Well, how did you feel?
When I was 30? Well, it was one of the two worst things that ever happened to me.
- Oh, what was the other? - The same date, ten years later.
Do I gather you're hovering on the brink of one score years and ten?
Tomorrow.
And is it you that minds or... your husband?
Well, we both do, really. He minds more than me. You see...
I was only 23 when we met.
But you don't exactly look an old crone now.
23?
You were married at 23?
Well, we started living together.
What? Seven years ago?
- Yeah. - Yes.
Oh, God. The seven-year itch.
Well, it doesn't have to be an itch.
With some men, it's just a minor irritation, which they don't even bother to scratch.
What about other men?
Other men? Well, I won't talk about my husband.
- Why not? - It might spoil your birthday.
Life can be pretty cruel, can't it?
Takes away my youth and increases his sex drive.
Well, you can fight back.
By making yourself that much more desirable to him.
I remember I bought one of those outfits you see advertised in the newspaper.
You know, all black lace,
some little bows, garters.
- What happened? - It made him laugh.
Well, at first, and then I could see he was definitely interested.
In fact, we made love before supper for the first time in six years.
Really?
Yes, it was all going splendidly, until one of my garters snapped
and caught him a stinging blow across the thigh.
Oh, something snapped with me, too.
We had a row at breakfast.
Oh, well, in the seventh year of being shackled together, you'd better make it up to him tonight.
Well, I couldn't buy one of those Folies-Bergére outfits.
No, no, of course not, but a little extra affection.
But try not to be wearing a dirty apron when he comes in.
Fix your hair. Smell nice.
Yeah. Yeah, I will.
Thanks, Mrs Crompton.
Oh, please don't call me Mrs Crompton. It makes me feel so old.
And we all know what that's like, don't we?
- Call me Myra. - OK, Myra.
After all, we're more or less the same age group now, aren't we?
Oh, good afternoon.
What?
Oh, yes, I am a bit late.
I've been fending off people for the past hour. "It might be his leg," I said.
- My leg? - I hinted at gout.
Oh, thanks a bunch! They'll be watching me now for signs of senile disintegration.
That's all I need when my child bride is suffering from practically the same thing - 30 tomorrow.
- 30? - I thought she was only 29.
- Wrong. - Yes, I know.
I forgot it was her birthday, I forgot she'd be 30 and I hinted at approaching old age.
Buy her a lovely present and she'll be eating out of your hand.
That is, if her poor old joints let her bend that low.
I've been looking for a lovely present. That's why I'm so late.
Oh, I've never been a good chooser.
As you usually forget, you don't get much practice, do you?
All right, know-all, how do you choose?
Ah, well, I count what's in my wallet, deduct £10 for drinking expenses and spend the rest. Easy.
Easy? I don't know what size she is. I don't know what jewellery she likes.
Even when I've remembered her birthday, she's changed my present.
- Well, can't you get her to make a list? - What? The night before?
It's Friday. Sneak off a bit early. I'll cover for you.
Take her for a stroll past her favourite shops.
Get her to sort of hint at what she wants.
A stroll, yeah, that's not a bad idea, Victor.
Yes. Play it casual, you know.
- Casual, you know. - Yeah.
- Do you really like that sort of thing? - What sort of thing?
- Mock surprise. - Oh, surprise, yeah.
Or...
Oh, my darling, it's a bit pricey.
- Pricey, yes, that ought to come easily. - Yes.
Especially when she stops me outside Lockwoods, her favourite jeweller's.
The sort of place where they'd be suspicious of Mrs Onassis's assets.
(Door bangs)
Hello, darling. Good Lord! Are you still in your dressing gown?
All right for some people. Lolling about the whole day.
- It's not my dressing gown. - Your hand is wet.
- Yes, but... - And as cold as ice. Sandy, are you sickening?
- No... - That's why you're in your dressing gown.
It's not my dressing gown.
My hands are cold because I was just putting some wine on ice.
What? Oh, darling, that was a nice thought. Very nice. Thank you very much.
Don't ever say I don't do anything for you and I don't think of you.
I think of you, too. I'll just have a quick glass while you get dressed.
Then I thought we might have a stroll round...
What are you doing?
If you get changed...
SACHA DISTEL: ♪ There's a whole lot of loving going on in my heart
♪ It's a feeling I'm feeling through and through...
Would you rather sit this one out?
What are you doing?
- While the wine gets cool, darling... - Eh?
- The cooler the better. - Listen, Sandy, don't muck about.
Come along, darling. You must have had a hard day.
- No, honestly, I'm fine. - Sit down.
- It's just that I thought we might... - Relax.
- I am relaxed. - You're not. You're rigid.
- Sandy, please. I want to go out! - Don't fidget.
I'm sorry, darling, sorry. It's just that I thought we might have a stroll.
Where?
Ooh, along the high street.
The high street?
Yes, you know, just a breath of fresh air.
- Fresh? In the high street. - Yes. Why not?
Darling...
Look, I am offering you wine, women and song and you prefer traffic fumes?
Wine, women and song?
Well, one woman, actually.
Darling, it's just that I thought we might have a stroll.
- I knew it. Over the hill. - What? No. Down the high street.
Oliver, I was thinking more along the lines of the bedroom, actually,
via Sacha Distel and half a litre of Italian plonk.
Sacha Distel?
Good grief! Times have changed, haven't they?
I can remember the times when I've been serving up supper with one hand
and spanking your wrist with the other.
Oh, you want a snog!
A snog?
Oh, yes, fine, darling, there's plenty of time for that. I'll pour you a drink.
Thank you. I'll have it when I get back.
Get back?
From the high street. I'm getting dressed.
But I'm just getting undressed.
Not for the high street you're not!
Yeah, but what about the plonk and Sacha?
You have them, while I get dressed.
And I'm very glad I didn't lash out on one of those black suspender belts.
♪ ...>never ends...
Oh, shut up, Sacha!
We haven't been for a walk for ages, Oliver. What suddenly made you want to do it?
What? Oh, well, because...
We haven't done it for ages, I suppose.
Yeah.
We did do a lot of walking, though, didn't we?
Not much along the high street, though.
Well, no, that's true.
Or the shopping precinct.
No, but it's rather pleasant, isn't it, darling?
Too many people.
Sorry.
Yeah, far too many. Come on.
We went more for byways and sly ways and... Ooh!
Ooh, Oliver!
You almost put my shoulder out.
Oh, sorry, darling. Just, er, looking in this window.
- Lockwoods? - What?
You've never stopped to look in Lockwoods' window before.
- Of course I have. - You always say it's far too expensive.
- I do not. - Yes, you do.
You try every trick in the book to stop me looking in Lockwoods' window.
Yes, well...
Once, you said, "Let's run. That'll get our circulation going."
It just happened to cross my mind that they've got one or two rather nice bits and pieces.
Yeah. Not for me, though, cos you've bought my present already, haven't you?
Oh, yes.
You can't be looking for yourself, can you?
I mean, I don't think they do the single earring.
- All right. Come on. - Oh, that's beautiful.
What is?
- I've seen it before. - What? What?
Very expensive.
- What are you talking about? - I saw it with Mum.
She said it was expensive and you know she'd sell her soul for a bauble.
- Yeah, which bauble? - The bracelet.
- That one in the middle there? - Mm, daylight robbery.
Oh, yes.
But you do like it?
Yeah. Why?
Oh, nothing.
Come on.
You do mean the silvery one, with the red stones round the middle?
Yes, I do. Come on, darling. Let's move on.
Look, we're out of eggs. We might as well buy some while we're here.
OK. You go and buy your eggs.
- What about you? - Hm?
Oh, I'll get you a birthday card. I completely forgot about a card.
- Oh, darling. Don't bother. - I must. I haven't got you an expensive present.
- Oh. - Just some fruit.
Fruit?
Yeah, well, that'll keep you in suspense, won't it?
Wondering whether it's an apple or an orange or grapes.
- Oh, yes, yes, it will. - So I must get you a card, you see.
You get your eggs. Look, just in case we miss each other,
why don't you run straight along home and put some more ice around the wine?
OK?
Off you go, darling.
Oh, and, er, darling.
If you like, you could always, you know, slip back into something loose.
It's the last one we have in stock, sir.
The last one? You hear that, Rita?
The very last. It's been enormously popular.
Partly because of its original design and partly because of its extremely reasonable price.
The price never bothered her. What do you think, honey?
Well, it's lovely.
You know, it...
- It suits your wrist. - Does it?
- Doesn't it? - Mm.
He thinks it suits your wrist, too.
Oh, I don't know, Al.
It might be a bit chunky.
So? It goes with your fingers.
Sorry, darling, I didn't mean that.
- You call that chunky? - No, I think it's very nice.
- Honestly? - Honestly.
You can't change your mind halfway through the feature film on Concorde, like you usually do.
Now, it's the last one they got.
So either you buy it now or somebody else will.
Isn't that right, miss?
It is the last one, yes.
- Come on, Rita. - Now don't rush me, Al.
How many opinions do you want? I like it. The lady here likes it.
The man here says he likes it. Tell her again that you like it.
- Well... RITA: You see?
- He doesn't like it. - He just said he liked it.
Why would he change his mind? Have you changed your mind?
- Well... - You see?
You're a big help!
Honey, I'm not going to twist your arm.
- Sorry, Al. - If you don't like it...
- Sorry. - No, no. It's a pleasure.
- I mean... - That's the nicest one we've seen, that's all.
- Is it? - Could we see something else, please, miss?
Did you really like it?
Well, yes, I did.
OK. I'll have it.
RITA: Thanks, honey.
Yes, sir?
Well, actually, I was looking for one of those.
I'm so sorry, sir. It is the last one we have in stock. Is there something else I can show you?
No. Looks as though it'll have to be fruit.
Yah ha hoo!
No, no, no, wait!
No, no.
- Hey, that's mine! That bracelet is mine. - I beg your pardon?
I asked if there were any left. They said there wasn't.
- Who said? - She said.
Then I suggest you complain to her, sir.
Yes?
- You never mentioned that one. - Which one?
- The one in the window. - Was there another one in the window?
- There was. - I'm sorry. I forgot.
Yes, you did, didn't you? Now somebody else has got it.
The one thing my wife wanted for her birthday.
The one thing I could have done right since she was 23.
It's disgraceful, a shop of their reputation.
I'm promising you that I shall not hesitate until I...
What?
- They're the same. - Exactly.
Exactly the same.
The American lady changed her mind again, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
I am sorry.
♪ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
Come on, darling, come on. I've brought you the post and a cuppa, so sit yourself up.
Hm... Oh.
You know, I think I drank too much of that wine last night.
Well, you were saying goodbye to your 20s.
No, you weren't. Come on, darling.
You get opening. Here we are.
Ooh.
- That one's from me. - Oh, darling.
Well, you didn't really think I'd give you an apple, did you?
I thought it might have been an orange.
- Well, it isn't. - I hope you haven't spent too much.
We've had a lot of expenses...
The answer is a lemon!
You did tell me not to spend too much money.
I know.
This is the one from Mum and Dad.
Oh, don't be silly, darling. I did buy you a present -
and pricey, too, though I know I shouldn't say so.
Oh, darling.
Right. I'll take the lemon. Don't go away.
Oh, isn't Mum kind?
And Dad, too, of course.
How on earth did they know? Did you tell them?
No, of course you didn't know yourself till yesterday, did you?
I've got it. I've got it.
Mum and I were looking in Lockwoods' window, last week, just like you and I were.
She asked me which pieces I liked best.
You know, very casually, very quietly.
I didn't tumble.
Isn't she the sly old thing?
Oh, darling, isn't that lovely, hm?
I thought you were trying to find out what I wanted and all the time it was Mum.
(Giggles) Isn't that funny?
(Pretends to laugh)
Oh, darling, look, I am sorry.
You were going to bring me your present.
Right!
Well, erm, it's... It's not here, actually.
Not at the moment. It's all bought and paid for and all that, but...
There's something wrong with it, a flaw. I'm going to collect it this morning.
- Oh, darling, you shouldn't have worried. - I'll go round and get it.
- But what is it? - Hm?
Oh, er, it'll be a surprise.
To both of us.
You know, Oliver, you are good at keeping secrets.
If I was in your place, I'd have to tell you what it was.
(Door closes)
I'm sorry. I... I'm... I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Er...
I bought a bracelet here yesterday. I don't know whether you remember.
I was wondering whether you would be kind enough to exchange it for something else.
Something the same price... or even less.
I am terribly sorry to bother you.
You do remember my buying it?
It's just that my wife was given exactly the same present by her mother.
A most unfortunate coincidence. So, if you wouldn't mind...
I'm sorry. I... I... I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I'm sorry.
Give me it...
I was only tidying up.
Oi!
- Back of the queue. - What?
(Car horn toots)
Got any cheap brooches?
(Door bangs)
- Hello, darling. - Hello.
Don't you think Mum's present goes well with this dress?
I was thinking of wearing this when we go out tonight.
- Tonight? - Mm, well, we're going out to eat, aren't we?
Er, yes, well, erm...
Oh, happy birthday, darling.
Oh, darling.
Oh, darling, it's lovely!
- Is it? - Yes.
- Oh, thank you. - Do you really like it?
Oh, yes.
Look, it goes with the bracelet. You see?
- I chose it myself. - Did you?
Mm. I didn't get any help from the assistants.
Well...
I always said, darling, that you had good taste.
Oliver, you, erm, you don't think the two of them together is a bit much?
No.
Well, I suppose it depends on where we're going, really, doesn't it?
Where are we going?
Yes, well, actually, darling, I'm rather afraid we're going to have to open a tin.
It's a long story and I don't want to bore you with it, but I've... run a bit short of money.
I don't know how you keep this up, Oliver, I really don't.
What?
Look, I mean, doesn't this prove to you that I knew you were playing a little game?
Hm?
I knew you were going to try and sneak off with Mum's present this morning.
I found it in your jacket pocket when I took it to brush it for you.
You know, I thought to myself, he's probably going to say he had to pawn it to pay for supper.
Oh, dear!
What were you going to do, darling?
Just let's get this straight, darling.
This bracelet, this lovely bracelet,
is the bracelet that you found in my jacket pocket?
Well, of course it is. I haven't got two of them, have I?
Oh, I didn't mention it on purpose. I thought, "Let him find out that it's gone.
- That'll spoil his little joke." - Oh, terrific.
Darling, I know you've got a funny sense of humour,
but it's a bit silly to go on with the joke when...
Oliver, what are you doing with it now?
- What sort of a joke is this? - Oh, it's a terribly bad joke, darling.
Oliver...
You are in a very peculiar mood this morning.
- Now no more jokes. - No more jokes.
- Promise? - I promise.
Thank you, darling. All that nonsense about not being able to afford dinner.
- Didn't fool you, did it? - Not for a minute.
Oh, good.
Anyway, quite apart from the fact that, after seven years, I do know you pretty well,
you're up against a fairly formidable weapon, you know.
What's that, darling?
Women's intuition.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Erm... Oh, I am sorry.
Ripped By mstoll